Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
Break things while being grim and necro.
Don’t have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances…
…Listen to Peccatum.
When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of “the true” Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
Don’t play with fuzzy things, excepting that by “play” you mean “burn”.
Don’t be Dani Filth.
Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase “Kenny G slams, man.”
Don’t be Dani Filth.
When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you’re too metal to remove refuse.
Run for it!
Sodomize a virgin whore.
Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release… so it becomes ‘cult’.
When in doubt, say “True Norwiegian Black Metal!”
If that doesn’t work, blast beats can fill any silence.
Turn any cross you find upside-down.
Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity…
Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even “true” blackmetallers.
Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
Don’t be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
Don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day.
Don’t make jokes only your mom would get.
Don’t make jokes.
When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
Don’t eat Marshmellow Peeps.
To producers of black metal albums: remember…no low end! If it doesn’t hurt to listen to, it can’t be “true”.
Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are “session” members.
When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn’t have your “cult” LP won’t get it.
Never play live.
When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both “necro” and “grim”.)
When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, “BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man”, in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the “mainstream” “infecting” the “scene”.
Reform with “old members” and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn’t be “true”.
Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
Fill out the other slots in your other member’s side projects as “session” musicians.
Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
Publicly state that your band is “non-religious”, then use the word “Satan” over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
Never say “friggin”.
Never finish anything you start.
The word “Hail” is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone “true”.
If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try “Infernal Hails”.
All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology “sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition”.
Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
Accept every interview you’re offered…then pretend that you really don’t enjoy being interviewed.
Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Wait… scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord’s greasy @#%$ at any time.
Use the phrase “suck the dark lord’s greasy @#%$” whenever possible.
If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it’s the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle’s house is not “pimping it” (unless you tell her you’re done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
Why isn’t the word “Northern” in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers…
Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
No matter where you’re from, pretend you’re from Norway and therefore ‘true’.
Don’t be Dani Filth. (I think that’s clear)
All pets you own now will henceforth be known as “Crucifier”. Any pets you own in the future will also be known as “Crucifier”.
True black metaller: “Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien… You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute… It appears I am the nerdy one after all!”
@#%$, I’m talking to myself again.
Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
That’s better, on with the interview!
Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also “clouded frost spire”)
Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway’s ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
Don’t make Beastie Boys references.
Don’t make references.
Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal’s “Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism”.
As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won’t stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
If it’s rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
Are you metal enough to be reading this?
Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven’t even heard.
Use the phrase “cult-as-@#%$” whenever possible.
Attempt to randomly throw the word “@#%$” during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla’s work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more “cult”, be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
I’ll tell you what your album lay out needs…Some titties.
And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could’ve have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
101 Rules of Nu Metal
These are the latest set of rules needed to start your own nu-metal band. There is a lot of truth in rules #7#66#78#98 and of course #101. Be your own judge.
When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath – always Black Sabbath.
Make sure you don΄t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they΄re your musical influences.
Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
When conducting interviews always say the words “@#%$”, “fag”, and “@#%$”.
Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
Pay them $50 to mention the word “metal” in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band – ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
Ask your mom to go to the nearest “Ross” beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
Use the word “gay” when referring to anything you don΄t like.
No guitar solos.
Your drumming techniques must consist of “bass-snare, bass-snare” drumming only.
In order for your bassist to win a “Best Bass Player Award”, make sure that they…
…are female or…
…use the “slap and pop” playing style.
Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
During concerts, ask your audience to sing along…
…jump up and down…
…put their hands in the air…
…flash their middle-fingers…
…and be careful not to hurt each other.
In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
Make sure that at least one band member…
…has been previously arrested…
…drinks beer…
…or smokes marijuana.
During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with “kicks ass”.
When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either “sucks dick”, or “@#%$ sucks ass”.
Pretend that you΄ve been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold…
…your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn΄t work…
…donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.
Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
Say “shaznit”.
Say “tight as @#%$” whenever possible.
Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent – but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back “metal” from the dead.
Make sure you have at least one female member.
Be at every single “Ozzfest” tour.
Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
Pretend that you design your own website.
Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O΄ Brien to produce your record.
Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it΄s scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
Always whine.
Close your eyes when singing to show how “depressed” you are – ie. Staind
Body piercings are a must.
Make sure that you have at least one band member that΄s bald…
…or have a goatee.
Pretend that you hate the world.
During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
Bite the microphone when singing.
Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance – ie. “its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!”
Insert the word “@#%$” in the middle of two words – ie. “I like coco-@#%$-nut”
Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
Always use seven-string guitars.
The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a “Best Guitar Player” award. So get to it!
Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the “heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time”.
Read #67 but add more of the word “@#%$” as much as possible for emphasis.
Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn΄t sound as heavy as you said it would be.
Your song lyrics must have the word “@#%$” on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious “tough-as-nails” bands.
Pick fights with random bands to show how “bad-ass” you are.
If you intend to copy someone else΄s sound – don΄t use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the “masters” of this art.
When kids start calling your band “sell-outs”, reply that if they were on your position they΄d do the same thing as well.
When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you΄re being compared to is one of your musical influences or…
…its just a coincidence.
Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you΄re a closet gay.
When your parents tells you to go to your room – go to your room.
You must have a studio album out every year. If you can΄t pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a “scene”.
Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
Wear clothes from a particular clothing company – and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
During live shows say that you΄re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you΄ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying “you never spent time enough with your kids”.
When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you΄ve never heard of them before.
Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
Insist that your band is “metal” at all times.
Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
Say that you΄re going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
Pretend that you like Kittie΄s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming “that΄s not true! that΄s not true!” over and over again.
Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.
If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single – instant success!
Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
Strictly no guitar solos.
You are offended personally by every single rule written above.
Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
Have contempt for mainstream music.
Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
If he doesn΄t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn΄t all bad.
Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
If he hasn΄t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of “prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock.” In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn΄t have understood anyway.
Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don�t necessarily have to.
Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that “at least they can tune their guitars, har har”, and walk away defiantly.
Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that “I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?”.
Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
Often state that you don΄t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
Yeah…like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection…
Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what΄s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
“Im staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition" "Mornings gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist”
“A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences.”
Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
Release a live-album called “Live in Tokyo”.
Change time signatures. Constantly.
Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you΄re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
State that Metallica can΄t properly tweak the boogies. They΄re so… unprog!
Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don`t understand your music.
Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you “nail” the song in question.
People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you dont need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you dont know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the “proggier” songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
Don΄t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli…Yeah, youve got it now, havent you?
Never ever under any circumstances say “Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled.”
Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, dont kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993s “Live in Tokyo” vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don΄t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that΄s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!
No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!
Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because “it is over the mainstream peoples heads”.
Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m talking about)
Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your ahem length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god΄s sake.
Get a dog.
Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells “ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN” several times.
Note that you can substitute “ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN” for either of the following: “FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY” or “THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE”. All three are suitable choices.
What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?
Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a “Varg”, so to say.
During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
Write epics.
In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
Have racks with loads of equipment.
Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t display them?
No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he “will understand when (s)he matures”
When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
BOOOM!!!
Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!
Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.
Do not smile
Do not laugh.
Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.
Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.
No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
I said “No laughing!!!”
No matter what anyone says, you’re not a Goth.
While a black teddy bear with a broken heart hanging from a noose on your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it’s not very metal.
It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music if you play it at 1/4 of its normal tempo.
You may complain about an album’s production unless it is a Thergothon release.
You will own Thergothon’s ‘Stream From The Heavens’, but never listen to it because of the bad sound quality.
Spend years looking for that extremly rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.
You must never admit to liking a “fast part” on a doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.
Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening because “it’s doomy!”.
You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is Fucked up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his “music was good”.
Album covers must contain one of the following: Ruins, Spirits in agony, A cemetary sculpture of an angel, or A pretty painting of heaven…
But you’re not a Goth!
As a Doomster, you’re too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.
Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it’s on.
Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if it’s good or bad for you.
Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they’re black and depressed.
You must appreciate folk polka metal because polka is dark, emotional and “…really doomier than Serenades when you think about it.”
Consider yourself open-minded about music.
Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially “True Norwegian Black Metal!”
Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
If you’re a traditional doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans “Gothic Fags.” Also complain about Droning doom because it’s not music.
If you�re a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad doom is really Heavy Rock.
If you�re a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to get you.
If you’re a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it’s even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about trad-doom because half the vocalists sound like they’ve been castrated.
If you’re a fan of Droning Doom, you’re probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
Remember Rule 22. You do not engage in silly music genre debates.
If someone says Doom-Metal is a mix between Death-Metal and Gothic-Metal, kick him in the nuts.
Unless you’re fixated on an Earth CD at the time, then you probably didn’t hear a word he just said.
If you find yourself describing your favourite piece of music as “Joyful,” “A bright ray of sunshine,” or “the super happy fun song,” there’s a slight chance that it’s not Doom.
Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as “Crushing,” “Monolithic,” “Depressive,” and “Suicidal” are good reviews… and yes, these are complimentary terms!
If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal doom to cheer you up.
If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
Even if you’re not Doom, if you’re from Finland, you’re probably still a miserable bastard.
No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower.
If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless you are Disembowelment.
If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we will make an exception for them too, but this is very unlikely.
Make sure to include such words as “Emptiness,” “Dying,” “Solitude,” “Cold,” “Night,” “Despair,” “Demon,” “Caress,” “Darkness,” and “Shadows” in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic ways such as “In the Cold Demon’s Caress, I lay Dying,” “Dark Emptiness,” “In Demonic Shadows, I Despair.” “Empty Shadows of Death,” and one that every True Doomster should relate to: “Nights of Solitude.”
Only the first two albums of a band are True� doom.
Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you’re CULT!
Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how the song will turn out.
Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro’s, outro’s and short intermezzo’s (on both disks) are included in the song count.
You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for “band shots”.
True� doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative, spouse, fiancιe or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend.
If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for “Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom” status. An example of this would be: “Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch.”
There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as “Rover, My Temptress Bitch MXVIII.”)
While practicing your death metal “Cookie Monster” vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
Most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough: Be from Finland!
A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat itself for at least 16 minutes.
You know you are a funeral doomster when you find yourself saying, �Black Sabbath just play too fast.�
If you�re a traditional doomster, rip off Black Sabbath, Saint Vitus, Obsessed, Pagan Altar and Pentagram, then claim any similarity is pure coincidence.
Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.
Violinists are not necessarily gay.
The mark of good funeral doom is whether you can get a beer from the fridge in the time between two snare hits.
True doomsters are too depressed to go to band practice.
Use Ζ in your song titles
Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.
Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.
Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an ‘Intro’.
Doom bands should not be popular, unless they’re disbanded, then they are CULT.
Don’t go out, unless the weather’s cold and dreary.
Funerals are your favourite pastime.
State explicitly that doom bands are interesting and varied, then record a song with one riff the entire 20minutes of the track
If you are no longer doom, say you’ve “progressed” and deny that any previous doom recording even existed.
Sing along in the bath to your favourite doom band, then deny it because your too “depressed” to sing to yourself in the bath
Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many music forms, and laugh at the shit non-doomsters listen to.
All doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other doom band
Keep tours to a minimum, if people want to see you they have to be cult enough to travel at least 20,000miles
If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to break up or else you’re a sell-out
Name your demos and albums with strange titles like “Cthulghy Hyoyrto Skyththte”, or “Jhihhee Eliidhhddeenn Fffffhhhhttthjhjuuuuu”. By doing this, your band will look really avant garde, progressive and doom.
Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a punk rock prick.
Doom musicians don’t move at gigs. If they move, they are not doom.
Same applies to the audience.
Do not update your band�s website.
If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit before they reach the manic phase!
Never respond to e-mails, especially if they are asking to buy your CD.
Don’t release any of your tracks on the internet, so people can’t find out how you sound. And when do finally release your album, release it in an obscure label from Australia that refuses to distribute any of the 500 printed copies.
If possible, do not release anything when you’re band is still together. After you’re disbanded release your abominable rehearsal tapes and sell them with outrageous prices.
Artwork must contain pink or purple!
Make really happy music and sing about always looking on the bright side of life… Eric Idle is doom?� Life’s a bowl of shit, when you look at it!
If someone can recognize one of your band members in a picture, you are not doom.
Do not betray your favourite band by wearing one of their T-Shirts. If someone sees it and listens to them, they will become popular and hence commercial sell-out shit.
Re-re-re-re-release your demo on tape or vinyl, but not on cd, and make sure no one ever will be able to buy it
You know when you are listening to doom when you�re out cycling and old ladies walk past you.
You know when you are listening to doom when that snail jumps out in front of you.
The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and find it’s still playing when you wake up.
Make sure your booklet don’t contain lyrics or information of any sort.
Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn�t go see a doctor of doom.
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it’s the country for me!
Always keep the curtains closed, use candles is you must have light.
Your first breath is the beginning of your death.
Go drown yourself in a stream of mourn.
Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules
Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall into even blacker nothingness
Emptiness rules
Skepticism is spelt with a �K�
Happiness is a worthless electrical illusion created by pointless peasants
Time is what happens between mistakes
Life is what happens to you if you don’t die soon enough, but don�t panic, life is terminal.
Nothing is the answer to everything
People are cannibals who eat themselves in order to sustain themselves
Doom is a state of mind, a dark blue, blanket grey, black state of mind
You are born, you chug alone on rails, you pause at stations to let people on and off and you terminate; and there is nothing you can do about it� and that is the shape of despair.
Life is a fruitless search for a answer that doesn�t exist that seems to last longer than a Doom song but is actually over in a flash
Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.
In all things, be alone.
Doomsters like to moan about life
Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.
Take each day at a time and discard yesterday’s burdens or they will crush you when you add them to tomorrows
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is pop-up hell
Life… don’t talk to me about life
Life is a JOKE… remember, NO LAUGHING!!
Nothing is real
Ambition is like smoking face down in bed
Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much
Happiness is about being happy that you’re not sad about being unhappy.
The music business is a monkey’s arse.
Judge a person by their record collection.
There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale
Love is a poisoned chalice and hate is the antidote
Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach’s in knots, while your box is so full, mine’s perpetually empty
Hell is other people
A sunset is only electromagnetic radiation whose photons register in you eye sensors. Beauty is an illusion invented by postcard salesmen
Fail young, fail often
Avoid moments of clarity
Look forward to your last breath and the pleasure of that final disappointment and say �Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is�.
Never brush your teeth with a Noothgrush
Living is pointless, death is pointless, talking to others is pointless, so what�s my point?
Life is like a bookcase and happiness is candy on the top shelf and you’re a four year old who can’t reach. Just don�t be surprised when the whole lot crashes down on you when you climb up to reach it and the candy falls further out of reach� and then you die.
Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show, however good, could conceivably be good forever
Reality is an internal representation, so don�t worry about it
Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.
In all things be drunk.
Doomsters don�t take �Speed�, they take �Slow�
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Life is a 100 year mortgage that you can�t afford the payments on.
When your creativity have dried up and shrivelled like an old prune, sign up with Century Media and abandon Doom altogether and go MTV friendly, but still cite My Dying Bride as one of your major influences.
Insisting your latest album is the bleakest, and most haunting your band has ever recorded, even if it�s your debut.
Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn… nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN… NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.
Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death, suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom dejection, melancholia, desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment woe, sorrow, Wretchedness, unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning, solitude, solemnity and Doom… and so should you.
Generally speaking Sludge Doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are sad, funeral doomsters are barely breathing, death doomsters are dirty, drunk and dribbling, Stoner Doomsters don’t care, drone doomsters are out of it and traditional Doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with other doomsters.
Have at least one goat-related song on your new album
If you are from England become sad and embittered that no-one gives two fucks about you, your band or your label, because in England nobody care about anything except their own little stash, nobody that is except those 30 people odd people who do turn up to see you play, and they are worth more than a stadium full of fair weather trend following wankers.
If half the audience hasn’t left out of frustration before you’ve finished your first note, then you’re playing too fast.
Trad Doom bands have to have shit singers, it’s the law.
No one else understands why a 2 note song is good, but you don’t care.
Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats involved.
Make sure your drummer’s not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake him up and tell him he played fantastic.
Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse yourself.
Debuts are good. Follow-ups are repetition and sell-out.
Make fun of punks. remember though, you are open-minded.
Trust me, your last gig was aweful.
Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek (you know who you are)
Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label otherwise you’ll never release anything other than CDRs.
If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews of the bands that do.
Don’t mention Lee Dorian’s singing ability. Remember, he owns a record label.
“The end will come for all these lies, life is worthless, life will die, there’s no need to cry” --Douglas P.
Funeral Doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your guitar, it’s bound to get out of tune between strikes.
Did the lights just go out or was that the night?
Expect the term ‘Score’ to mean one thing to a Funeral Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
Expect the phrase “Is there another key?” to mean one thing to a Death Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
The glass is half empty dummy.
Don’t cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste salty.
Doom SHALL rise.
Doom or be doomed.
Say after me… “I will stay on this revolving globe of outrage until it breaks wind and collapses on itself”.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Pour your heart and soul into designing a flyer, get them printed, then don’t post them. It’s connected with rule 91… Flyers = Sellout… remember, no one must know.
Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig and nick your equipment
Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if the drummer’s secretly into Trash, the guitarist’s a closet Malmsteen fan and the bassplayer’s so doped up he thinks he a Prog Rocker.
You can be in as many bands as you like, but just make sure that they all play the same stage on the same night, and ideally, sound exactly the same.
Get a girlfriend…she will double the audience!
Amaze your audience and get a full lineup together.
To be classified True� doom you must obtain a signed certificate of authentication from Wino.
Any sign of progression or deviation from the True� Doom path will result in debagging and expulsion from the� Circle Of True Doom��. Disgraced band member’s names will be struck from the ‘Children of Doom’ � register and Wino certification withdrawn.
Don’t try and headbang to Funeral Doom, you’ll look ridiculous.
Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for your next funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then on the night, drop your trousers and unleash you’re awe inspiringly large testicles… arch your back… spread your legs wide… and sway them to and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly headbanging embarrasing situation.
There is pleasure in grief.
Doom is the sound of inevitablility.
Don’t pay by the hour for rehearsal space if you intend running through a few ‘Until Death Overtakes Me’ numbers.
The doomed mind is a terrible thing to taste so spice it up with some fava beans and a nice chianti
Doomed solo composers must have Funeral, Drone and Ambient projects and several combinations thereof on the go at any one time to be taken seriously.
Insist that all of these projects are different, even if they sound the same.
Claim you know the singer with My Dying Bride, or were present in the studio when they recorded ‘Turn Loose the Swans’
101 rules of NWOBHM (New Wave of British Heavy Metal)
The more obscure the better
Hearing Metallica’s cover of “Am I Evil?” does not make you a NWOBHM fan
Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica
Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash
Constantly complain that Thrash “killed off” NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash
When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like “the best genre of music, ever.” Make sure they still don’t understand what it means.
Iron Maiden after “Killers” is not NWOBHM
Complain that Iron Maiden “stole” Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in IM
Dress like you’re from the 80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt
Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable
Def Leppard really really suck! (Apart from their debut)
When forming your own NWOBHM “tribute” band, record your album in the key of A
In fact, record your whole career in A
Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from “2 Minutes to Midnight”
Which was CLEARLY a rip-off from “Welcome to Hell” by Venom anyway
Ballads must have a clean picked intro, a crushing middle section, followed by a fast outro
Only write songs about sex, drugs and rock n roll…
And the Devil
Never down tune your guitars, ever (unless you’re Venom)
You’re not Venom and never will be
Bad production values are a MUST, if it’s highly produced, it’s not NWOBHM
Spend exactly £5.35 on producing your album
Did I mention the more obscure, the better?
Constantly complain that band X “should’ve made it big”
Complain about bands making it big and going commercial
Kevin Heyborne is a living legend, even if he can’t keep a stable Angel Witch line-up for more than 5 seconds
Two words: WITCHFINDER GENERAL
Track down every demo, EP and single of your favourite NWOBHM band; go as far as contacting a former member and conducting an interview with him.
Start up a Neo-NWOBHM band…
But realize your only fans will probably be in Germany and/or Sweden…
And you can’t afford to move there…
Nor would you want to because then you wouldn’t be NWOBHM
Major record companies are evil; they killed off every NWOBHM act
Only sign with small independent record companies…
Or Neat
Brian Ross is your idol
Anything past 1986 isn’t real metal…
Unless it’s a NWOBHM reunion
Deliberately spell your band name wrong: substitute vowels for consonants (mainly y’s) e.g. Tygers of Pan Tang, Tytan, Phyne Thanquz, etc
Name your band something completely irrelevant to the subject matter you sing about, e.g. Satan
Worship Diamond Head, daily, if necessary
Talk to mainstream metal fans about your favorite obscure NWOBHM act and tell them they’re better than anyone they say (which is right, right?)
NWOBHM is the only genre that bad songwriting is acceptable
When recording your “live” album (keep in mind rule 21 and 22), dub in a few of your mates drunkenly shouting after every song has finished
Constantly remind people that Garage Inc. is far inferior to the original songs (especially the Diamond Head and Blitzkrieg covers)
Release your demo as a sleeveless 7" only make 500 copies; that way it’ll be obscure enough to be classified as NWOBHM
Go to every NWOBHM reunion concert ever, even if they are held only in Germany and/or Sweden
High pitched vocals are a must. This is non-negotiable, unless you’re Venom (see rule 20)
Keyboards are optional, keyboard solos however, are not
Never keep the same line-up for more than one single/demo/EP. Fire someone if you have to…
It’ll probably be the drummer anyway
Motorhead and Judas Priest are not NWOBHM…
But they’re pretty kickass nonetheless
To put your band in good light, tell people you used to perform at the Soundhouse, even if you weren’t born in the 60s/70s…
They’d probably never find out anyway
NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
Scorn Metallica for stealing Diamond Head’s glory…
Even though they played together on at least one occasion
Lars Ulrich is an ass
Barry “Thuderstick” Graham isn’t
Track down all of Bruce Dickinson’s early recordings with Speed, Xero etc…
Even though they are pretty average at best
In NWOBHM, women are acceptable band members unlike that homo-erotic Thrash malarkey…
Keeping in mind rule 12, record a really heavy and fast song in the key of E…
Make it a B-side of a lightweight melodic rock song recorded in A…
The A-side is intended to get “recognized”
Getting recognized and becoming mainstream is not NWOBHM
Urchin are not NWOBHM but Dave Murray and Adrian Smith played in them so it’s okay
There’s much more to Holocaust than just “The Small Hours” but their version was better than Metallica’s
Their version of “Master of Puppets” is also better than Metallica’s
Bass MUST be audible, but keep in mind rules 21 and 22
Twin guitars are a must, this is essential…
Unless you’re Venom (see rule 20)
Record a load of demos, stuff them in a box, break the band up and wait 20 years until “finding” them again, release them as “The Complete Anthology”
Instead of recommending the more known NWOBHM bands to interested friends, show them your collection of obscure 7" singles and demo tapes, tell them “you can look but not touch”…
No, you haven’t listened to them either.
The NWOBHM Encyclopaedia by Malc McMillan is your bible…
You have it by your bedside table and read it every night
Owning a few Iron Maiden albums does not make you NWOBHM…
Even if they are self titled and Killers
Track down your favorite NWOBHM bands elusive out of print “second album”
Realize it’s crap, but keep in anyway because you just shelled out 100quid for it on eBay
Following rule 83, debut albums are ALWAYS a NWOBHM band’s best work, this is unarguable
You thought I was going to say “unless you’re Venom” didn’t you?
Venom’s debut IS their best work, period
And possibly the worst produced album, ever
Re-release all your albums “remastered” with all your demos and EPs tacked on the end
Your debut album must be raw and frantic; your sophomore album must be either hair metal or AOR
Your album and/or single cover must be a black and white sketch done by your mate who does art in college (part time, of course) of either your band, the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
Don’t sing about the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
Following rules 65 and 66, record a cheesy ballad with synthesizers, make it 9 minutes long and release the lot as an EP
Paul DiAnno is still cool even if he was fired from Iron Maiden and done precisely nothing since then
To preserve your legacy, DON’T record an album, just singles, demos and EP’s, this will ensure your place in the NWOBHM hall of fame…
After that see rule 75
Record all your material in your front room or garage
Paradoxically, foreign members are allowed in NWOBHM bands, hell, even full foreign bands can be classified as NWOBHM as long as they played at least one gig in London during the 80s
Progressive elements ARE allowed in NWOBHM, unlike that boring Thrash malarkey…
Thrash is actually really really cool, even if it is American
Remember kids, the more obscure the band, the better they are!
Make sure you use at least 5 cans of hairspray a day.
Makeup is mandatory
Your guitar should be brightly colored.
One of your main goals is to see how many amps you can fit on stage.
Your other is to see how many half naked female dancers you can fit on stage.
You should always be wearing spandex pants.
If you look at all like a man, then you aren’t ready to leave the house.
Every song that you write should be about drugs or sex.
The main riff of your songs should be two powerchord eighth notes followed by a rest. See “Cherry Pie” by Warrant.
Your solos should be melodic, and repetitive. See “Talk Dirty to Me” as made famous by Poison.
People should only be able to tell you from your half naked female dancers by the dick print in your Spandex. Other than that you should look just like them.
If you don’t have sex with at least 50 women after a show, then the show was a waste of time for you.
You have to make cheesy music videos for all of your singles.
Your videos have to involve hot chicks and fast cars, unless it is for a ballad, in which it still could have them.
Every album you release should have one sappy “power” ballad.
You have to be dating a stripper at all times.
You must cheat on her after every show with groupies.
When she dumps you for it you have to write a shitty “power” ballad about it.
You are also allowed to date porn stars.
If you get married, then you have to get a divorce within a year.
If you are not already there, then you must move to L.A.
Advertise as many things as humanly possible.
Make sure that you list Judas Priest as one of your biggest influences, even though you are nothing like Judas Priest.
In every interview, say how much you love Heavy Metal, and how you love playing it, even though there is nothing Heavy about you or your band.
If you know how many women you have slept with, then you haven’t done enough.
If you aren’t playing, then you should be High or drunk.
You should really be both.
There should always be an afterparty.
You should be addicted to at least 10 hard drugs.
You should use Cocaine to get energy for a show.
If you see a girl you want to have sex with, then ask, and if she doesn’t say no, then do what you want to do.
If you don’t have any STDs then you need to have more sex.
If you don’t have any kids then you need to have more sex.
If you can still think clearly then you need more drugs.
Your singer must be a soprano, or an alto, but still must be a dude.
You can’t actually know what a soprano or alto is.
All of your albums should have parental advisory stickers on them.
Your outfits should be colorful and glittery.
Your album covers should be either a picture of a naked chick, or a picture of a band members Crotch.
You should glorify drugs and sex with everything you do.
You should always wear a scarf.
You should also tie a scarf around your microphone stand.
All thrash bands, thrash fans, and Parents should hate your guts.
If no one calls you a faggot, then you need to look more feminine.
Paint your fingernails.
You should dance at all of your shows.
Someone in your band needs to overdose on heroin.
Afterwards they will get clean, and claim to be “high on Life”.
If you wear a T-shirt, then the sleeves should be ripped off.
Your T-shirt should also be either for your band, or for a porno magazine. Preferably Hustler.
Your music videos should offend all feminists.
You have to claim that your music is about “having fun”.
You should own at least fifty guitars, even if you are the drummer.
At least one of these should have never been played.
You should get a front door key to the playboy mansion.
You should trash every hotel room you stay in.
If you are in a non-smoking hotel room, then smoking is mandatory.
You should start your own line of clothing for Babies.
Make sure you play lots of covers.
Write your singles to try to get as much radio airplay as humanly possible.
Make sure that you always shave. If you grow a beard you might actually look like a man and we can’t have that.
You can only play stadiums, and clubs on the sunset strip.
You must have a drug dealer on your speed dial.
You must have a Hooker on your speed dial.
Actually you should have several of each on speed dial.
You should own at least 10 fast cars.
Pyrotechnics and Lights are the most important part of your stage show.
Your songs should not be heavy at all.
In fact, they should be extremely poppy.
You should still however claim to be heavy metal.
If your dating a girl with small breasts, then make sure you buy her the biggest implants you can.
You should be drunk or high for every show.
Actually you should always be drunk or high.
You should also always have a chick on each arm.
Never, Ever, Under any Circumstances, cut your hair.
The only places you should have hair is you head and your chest.
Your outfit should show your chest hair.
Chest hair should be the only masculine thing about you.
If you ever write a song that is not about sex or drugs you should never play it.
You can also re-write it to be about sex or drugs.
Never play fast. Speed chases away the pop audience.
If you aren’t high, then you need to get some kind of drug immediatley.
If you aren’t drunk, then you need a drink now.
You can’t drink beer though, you have to drink a fruity drink.
Make sure that you tell the crowd that you love them and that they have been great. NO MATTER WHAT.
You should try to get the biggest possible fan club.
Money is important.
You need money to buy drugs, and to get sex.
Your girlfriend should be extremely hot.
She should also be in one of your music videos.
I know that I already said it about 100 times, but drugs and sex.
Remember, that no matter what happens, you should always sell out.
Never palm mute anything. It would make you sound heavy, and that would be bad.
Claim that your band is great and unique because you have a vision, even though there are a hundre bands just like you.
Never say no to sex.
Never say no to drugs.
At your shows you should always encourage the female members of the audience to take of their top and jump up and down.
Just remember, there will always be one who actually does it.
You should make sure that at every show you play at least one lighter song.
You should get to sign a girls boobs after every show.
When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
If he doesn΄t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don�t necessarily have to.
Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don`t understand your music.
