Let no sound be lonely. If there’s a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there’s singing, make it a choir.
Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
You are allowed to be blonde.
Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don’t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
Ballads are permissible.
That doesn’t mean your ballads can suck.
The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
More solos means more epic.
If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
‘Grim’ and ‘necro’ don’t apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
Power metal depends on power chords.
16th notes are the only notes.
Unless you’re singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
Keyboards get solos, too.
If you can’t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
Actually, don’t be Timo Tolkki.
In case you didn’t know, “symphonic” is synonymous with “epic.” See rule #1.
Just because 300 bands before you have already done “epic,” there’s always room for more.
Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as ‘mighty’ without being laughed at. Much.
Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it’s not catchy, it’s harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
Tight. Pants.
You don’t have to detune your guitars.
Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
Fortunately, you don’t need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
It’s not a tour, it’s a crusade!
Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don’t worry about them live.
Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don’t use words like “majesty,” “glorious,” “magical,” and so on.
Wizards! You need wizards!
Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
Come to think of it, don’t be Manowar.
Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
Songs don’t begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
Hail true metal!
Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
Epic. Tight. Pants.
Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
Drugs aren’t metal.
Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
“Flagons of ale.” It’s appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like “dragons,” so you score extra points.
Since you can’t get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
Your accent will show as a consequence.
To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
Bass players: one note. Really fast.
But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won’t realize your band has a bass player.
Just because you don’t play black metal doesn’t mean you can’t use Tolkein.
Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
Never leave Europe.
For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can’t afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren’t epic enough to justify a live album.
If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
If you are U.S. American, you probably aren’t actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won’t be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da?
Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
More than a logo, you need a mascot.
He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
At your first gig, if you feel a “rising force”, do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
Sing along.
Don’t get caught singing along.
Glitter is not epic.
Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they’re Stratovarius.
Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you’ve bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
To repeat: be epic.
I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.
Death Metallers need to have really long hair (maybe down to their ankles) or no hair at all but a long beard
Always add a couple of blood stains in your band logo
Don’t you ever write satanic lyrics unless you are Glen Benton
Be Glen Benton
Use the word “Skull” instead of “School” to be brutal
Hate subgenres, there’s nothing more than “Old School Death Metal” period
Always claim to be Old School, even if you don’t know who Xecutioner were
You hate the fact that people say “Death” created the genre
If you have an Arch Enemy record always say the following: “They suck, but Angela Gossow is sooo hot”
You already sold your “In Flames” albums along with everything that it’s not “Old School”
Try to look really pissed in photos
Always look at the camera, but your face must be pointing upwards or downwards
Be GROOOOOOOWL
Use the word Growl a lot
Tell people you lived to see the “Tape Trading” days even when you’re only 15 years old
Use a lot…and I mean a freaking lot of Breakdowns in your music
Always copy the riffs of someone else
Jump whenever you hear the main riff of “Hammer Smashed Face”
Hide your Cannibal Corpse albums from your mom
Always end the name of your band with the postfix “Ation” (Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Tribulation, etc.)
If you can’t think of any name with “Ation” replace it with “Ment” (Enthrallment, Dismemberment, Abolishment, Cadaverment, etc.)
Ok, let’s say you still can’t think of any name…there’s still “Ence” for you (Abhorrence, Vehemence, Benevolence, Decadence, etc.)
Chances are you’ll end up naming your band Disgorge anyway…
Fart a lot
Burp a lot
Don’t have a girlfriend
If you have a girlfriend Burp and Fart on her nose…
You were a member of Death
People say you are(were) a member of Brujeria
Make sure to bring your meathook for a sodomy night
Be extremely GROOOOOOWL
End a phrase with GROOOOOOOWL
Don’t you ever…EVER…listen to Melodeath
Hate Melodeath by any means
Melodeath is totally gay
You have “Heartwork” in you CD collection
“Heartwork” was the first Melodeath album ever released
Therefore you’re gay
Then you seriously hate Swedish Death Metal…
Swedish Metal is totally gay
You have the entire Unleashed collection
Unleashed is a Swedish Death Band
Therefore you’re gay
You still hate bands like Dark Tranquility and In Flames
That doesn’t mean you’re not gay
You have the amazing capability of contradicting yourself
Always go to concerts and leave with blood in your face
The blood must be of someone else’s nose
Mosh till your arms fall out from your body
Mosh until your legs break in half
TorsoMOSH!!!
Erik Rutan mastered your record
In Death Metal orgasms always come with pain instead of pleasure
Hate everything that is not Death Metal
Hate everything that is not GROWL
You were never a kid
You were born an adult
Have no sense of humor
Pee outside the can
Eat nothing but read meat and things that make your body fat
Be fat
Try to be extremely fat
If you’re not fat you are Trey Azagthoth
Tell a cartoonist to draw your album cover
Tell him you want a lot of blood and sex in it
Always use a lot of naked chicks in your covers
Those naked chicks are obviously cadavers
Sodomize the cadavers found in your artwork
Dismember the cadavers in your artwork that you already sodomized
Have sex with the remaining parts
You have to be seriously sick in the head to be a Death Metaller
If you don’t have naked chicks available, use anything that looks like pulp for your album cover
The good trick comes when you use pulpified fruits that look kind of Gore
Name your songs after diseases that don’t even exist.
Try to use “Semen” a lot when writing lyrics
“Flesh”, “Skin”, “Bowels” and words that sound creepy are so Brutal
Hate Black Metal
You only use Black Metal words (like “Necro”) to name your band
You only like Philip Anselmo for being a member of “Necrophagia”
You maybe still respect Thrash Metal bands like Pantera and Metallica
Pantera used to be Glam Metal and Metallica released a Nu-Metal album
Therefore you’re gay
There’s no way possible for you to escape gayness
You don’t use a Bass for layers or synchronization, you use it to make your music illegible and Gore
You can poo in public places
Never say “poo” always go with “Feces”
Faeces are so Br00Tall
For you Carcass died after “Necroticism…”
Always use fake blood at a concert
It’s not Brutal, it’s Br00Tall
Blast Beats are our friends
Remember to play as fast as Diarrhea
Hate trees, trolls, wolves, and non-Br00tall things, they’re gay
Love guts, blood, cannibals, murder, and GROWL things, they’re still gay but GROWL
Be Gore enough to scare kids and moms
Keep your Gore level down for your friends, you’re still a social being
Download tons of porn
Say Hostel and SAW III were mild movies even though you almost puked in the theatre
Don’t talk…Growl
Make sure you’re dumb and loser enough to write 101 rules for Death Metal, in other cases, be dumb and loser enough to read 101 stupid phrases about Death Metal.
Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
Break things while being grim and necro.
Don’t have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances…
…Listen to Peccatum.
When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of “the true” Mayhem. Remember, Maniac is gay.
Don’t play with fuzzy things, excepting that by “play” you
mean “burn”.
Don’t be Dani Filth.
Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase “Kenny G slams, man.”
Don’t be Dani Filth.
When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you’re too metal to remove refuse.
Run for it!
Sodomize a virgin whore.
Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 months after its release… so it becomes ‘cult’.
When in doubt, say “True Norwiegian Black Metal!”
If that doesn’t work, blast beats can fill any silence.
Turn any cross you find upside-down.
Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity…
Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even “true”
blackmetallers.
Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
Don’t be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
Don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day.
Don’t make jokes only your mom would get.
Don’t make jokes.
When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
Don’t eat Marshmellow Peeps.
To producers of black metal albums: remember…no low end! If it doesn’t hurt to listen to, it can’t be “true”.
Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are “session” members or on your secret “im gonna kill him” list.
When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn’t have
your “cult” LP won’t get it.
rarely play live.
When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both “necro” and “grim”.)
When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, “BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man”, in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, you mention tremolo riffs about 5 times and the other person still has no idea
what black metal is.
Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died
because of the “mainstream” “infecting” the “scene”.
Reform with “old members” and release an album intended to
produce commercial success.
When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
wouldn’t be “true”.
Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
Fill out the other slots in your other member’s side projects
as “session” musicians. “Don’t forget secret [kill em] list”
Record everything in the same studio with the same
producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
Publicly state that your band is “non-religious”, then use the
word “Satan” over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 f-in years ago.
Never say “friggin”.
Never finish anything you start.
The word “Hail” is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone “true”.
If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try “Infernal
Hails”.
All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology “sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
attrition”.
Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class or your kid brothers spirograph.
Accept every interview you’re offered…then pretend that you
really don’t enjoy being interviewed.
Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Wait… scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to kiss the Dark Lord’s greasy ass at any time.
Use the phrase “suck the dark lord’s greasy arse” whenever
possible.
If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it’s the middle of the freakin…whups, “Fuckin” day, and instead of looking evil, look dork…blinkblink…ACH!, never mind, see rule 1.
Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle’s house at x-mas time is not “pimping it”.
Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily >:-(
Why isn’t the word “Northern” in your album title yet!? Get to
it! Amatuers…
Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
No matter where you’re from, pretend you’re from Norway and therefore ‘true’.
Don’t be Dani Filth. (I think that’s clear)
All pets you own now will henceforth be known as “Crucifier”. Any pets you own in the future will also be known as “Crucifier”.
True black metaller: “Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien… You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute… It appears I am the nerdy one after all!”
F#%K, I’m talking to myself again.
Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
That’s better, on with the interview!
Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, younger brothers legos etc. (See also “clouded frost spire” )
Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway’s ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
Don’t make Beastie Boys references.
Don’t make references.
Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal’s “Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism”.
As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won’t stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
If it’s rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
Are you metal enough to be reading this?
Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
Own cult-as-shit shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven’t even heard.
Use the phrase “cult-as-shit” whenever possible.
Attempt to randomly throw the word “fuck” during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla’s work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more “cult”, be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish, esperanto.)
I’ll tell you what your album lay out needs…Some titties.
And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and go look for a bridge to sit under…“fight” soldier!
You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could’ve have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 3 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
Don’t admit you listen to heavy metal.
(Exception to rule 8 ) Only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80’s cheese metal shirts.
Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore, Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core.
Remember, it’s fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
Keep it in the do-jo.
Real hardcore fans are called kids.
Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
Tell people you work in the music industry.
More Ankles people!
Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan.
Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
Whatever you do, don’t let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all,
you do a better job singing then him. It’s a wonder they didn’t put you on the album.
Start your own hardcore band.
Have your logo resemble some random 80’s product for nostalgia.
Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
If you are shy start an emo band so you don’t have to look at the audience.
People who know more bands than you are better than you.
Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfückX
Never say “Did you hear the new Strung Out?” Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
It’s merch not Merchandise.
Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal… steal the mic away from the singer.
When people ask you if you like a band always say “I only like the old stuff” or “I haven’t really gotten into the new stuff.”
Buy all of that bands merch.
Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
Repeat steps 41 and 42
If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
Don’t tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
Never admit you don’t like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
Complain that they are playing with slayer but don’t admit you actually like Slayer.
Complain at all costs.
Tag team hardcore dancing is cool
Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
You don’t go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
Name your hardcore dance moves things like “The mother fück” or “kick that guys ass move” or better yet… stay home and cry.
Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
Scream about love.
All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge.
Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
Velcro shoes are cool.
Don’t admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly.
Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world’s best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
Re-issue your demos after every album.
When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
Crying on stage makes you a professional.
Complain some more.
Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben)
You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
Fück beer, Got breast milk?
Bandanas are cool.
Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser.
Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
Describe your group of friends as “the scene” and then watch bootlegs of last weeks
Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with “I am hardcore” then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
Keep punching
Kick a little too
Punch
Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.
Do not smile
Do not laugh.
Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.
Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.
No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
I said “No laughing!!!”
No matter what anyone says, you’re not a Goth.
While a black teddy bear with a broken heart hanging from a noose on
your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it’s
not very metal.
It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music if you play it at 1/4 of
its normal tempo.
You may complain about an album’s production unless it is a Thergothon
release.
You will own Thergothon’s ‘Stream From The Heavens’, but never listen
to it because of the bad sound quality.
Spend years looking for that extremly rare limited to 500 copies vinyl
only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.
You must never admit to liking a “fast part” on a doom CD, unless it
is Disembowelment.
Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything
remotely interesting happening because “it’s doomy!”.
You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is Fucked up Mad Max.
Then you can overlook his beliefs because his “music was good”.
Album covers must contain one of the following: Ruins, Spirits in
agony, A cemetary sculpture of an angel, or A pretty painting of heaven…
But you’re not a Goth!
As a Doomster, you’re too apathetic to engage in silly music genre
debates.
Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it’s on.
Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if
it’s good or bad for you.
Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they’re black and
depressed.
You must appreciate folk polka metal because polka is dark, emotional
and “…really doomier than Serenades when you think about it.”
Consider yourself open-minded about music.
Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially “True Norwegian
Black Metal!”
Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
If you’re a traditional doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My
Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans “Gothic Fags.” Also complain
about Droning doom because it’s not music.
If you.re a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad doom is really Heavy Rock.
If you.re a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to
get you.
If you’re a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning
Doom because it’s even slower and more boring than what you listen to.
Also complain about trad-doom because half the vocalists sound like
they’ve been castrated.
If you’re a fan of Droning Doom, you’re probably too busy zoning on
the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
Remember Rule 22. You do not engage in silly music genre debates.
If someone says Doom-Metal is a mix between Death-Metal and
Gothic-Metal, kick him in the nuts.
Unless you’re fixated on an Earth CD at the time, then you probably
didn’t hear a word he just said.
If you find yourself describing your favourite piece of music as
“Joyful,” “A bright ray of sunshine,” or “the super happy fun song,”
there’s a slight chance that it’s not Doom.
Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as “Crushing,” “Monolithic,”
“Depressive,” and “Suicidal” are good reviews… and yes, these are
complimentary terms!
If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal
doom to cheer you up.
If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
Even if you’re not Doom, if you’re from Finland, you’re probably still
a miserable bastard.
No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower.
If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless
you are Disembowelment.
If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we
will make an exception for them too, but this is very unlikely.
Make sure to include such words as “Emptiness,” “Dying,” “Solitude,”
“Cold,” “Night,” “Despair,” “Demon,” “Caress,” “Darkness,” and “Shadows”
in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic
ways such as “In the Cold Demon’s Caress, I lay Dying,” “Dark Emptiness,”
“In Demonic Shadows, I Despair.” “Empty Shadows of Death,” and one that
every True Doomster should relate to: “Nights of Solitude.”
Only the first two albums of a band are True. doom.
Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you’re CULT!
Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or
not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how
the song will turn out.
Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously
intro’s, outro’s and short intermezzo’s (on both disks) are included in
the song count.
You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the
woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a
thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for “band shots”.
True. doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative,
spouse, fiancée or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped
by your girlfriend.
If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for
“Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom” status. An example of this
would be: “Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart
has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch.”
There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your
repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as “Rover, My
Temptress Bitch MXVIII.”)
While practicing your death metal “Cookie Monster” vocals, resist the
temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join
the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity
before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
Most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough: Be from Finland!
A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat
itself for at least 16 minutes.
You know you are a funeral doomster when you find yourself saying,
.Black Sabbath just play too fast…
If you.re a traditional doomster, rip off Black Sabbath, Saint Vitus,
Obsessed, Pagan Altar and Pentagram, then claim any similarity is pure
coincidence.
Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.
Violinists are not necessarily gay.
The mark of good funeral doom is whether you can get a beer from the
fridge in the time between two snare hits.
True doomsters are too depressed to go to band practice.
Use . in your song titles
Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.
Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.
Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an ‘Intro’.
Doom bands should not be popular, unless they’re disbanded, then they
are CULT.
Don’t go out, unless the weather’s cold and dreary.
Funerals are your favourite pastime.
State explicitly that doom bands are interesting and varied, then
record a song with one riff the entire 20minutes of the track
If you are no longer doom, say you’ve “progressed” and deny that any
previous doom recording even existed.
Sing along in the bath to your favourite doom band, then deny it
because your too “depressed” to sing to yourself in the bath
Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many
music forms, and laugh at the shit non-doomsters listen to.
All doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other
doom band
Keep tours to a minimum, if people want to see you they have to be
cult enough to travel at least 20,000miles
If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to
break up or else you’re a sell-out
Name your demos and albums with strange titles like “Cthulghy Hyoyrto
Skyththte”, or “Jhihhee Eliidhhddeenn Fffffhhhhttthjhjuuuuu”. By doing
this, your band will look really avant garde, progressive and doom.
Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should
contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a
punk rock prick.
Doom musicians don’t move at gigs. If they move, they are not doom.
Same applies to the audience.
Do not update your band.s website.
If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit
before they reach the manic phase!
Never respond to e-mails, especially if they are asking to buy your
CD.
Don’t release any of your tracks on the internet, so people can’t find
out how you sound. And when do finally release your album, release it in
an obscure label from Australia that refuses to distribute any of the 500
printed copies.
If possible, do not release anything when you’re band is still
together. After you’re disbanded release your abominable rehearsal tapes
and sell them with outrageous prices.
Artwork must contain pink or purple!
Make really happy music and sing about always looking on the bright
side of life… Eric Idle is doom?. Life’s a bowl of shit, when you look
at it!
If someone can recognize one of your band members in a picture, you
are not doom.
Do not betray your favourite band by wearing one of their T-Shirts. If
someone sees it and listens to them, they will become popular and hence
commercial sell-out shit.
Re-re-re-re-release your demo on tape or vinyl, but not on cd, and
make sure no one ever will be able to buy it
You know when you are listening to doom when you.re out cycling and
old ladies walk past you.
You know when you are listening to doom when that snail jumps out in
front of you.
The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and
find it’s still playing when you wake up.
Make sure your booklet don’t contain lyrics or information of any
sort.
Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in
the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your
heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn.t go see a doctor of doom.
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony
trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it’s
the country for me!
Always keep the curtains closed, use candles is you must have light.
Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules
Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest
darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall into even blacker
nothingness
Emptiness rules
Skepticism is spelt with a .K.
Happiness is a worthless electrical illusion created by pointless
peasants
Time is what happens between mistakes
Life is what happens to you if you don’t die soon enough, but don.t
panic, life is terminal.
Nothing is the answer to everything
People are cannibals who eat themselves in order to sustain
themselves
Doom is a state of mind, a dark blue, blanket grey, black state of
mind
You are born, you chug alone on rails, you pause at stations to let
people on and off and you terminate; and there is nothing you can do about
it. and that is the shape of despair.
Life is a fruitless search for a answer that doesn.t exist that seems
to last longer than a Doom song but is actually over in a flash
Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.
In all things, be alone.
Doomsters like to moan about life
Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.
Take each day at a time and discard yesterday’s burdens or they will
crush you when you add them to tomorrows
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is pop-up hell
Life… don’t talk to me about life
Life is a JOKE… remember, NO LAUGHING!!
Nothing is real
Ambition is like smoking face down in bed
Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much
Happiness is about being happy that you’re not sad about being
unhappy.
The music business is a monkey’s arse.
Judge a person by their record collection.
There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale
Love is a poisoned chalice and hate is the antidote
Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It
sticks in my throat, my stomach’s in knots, while your box is so full,
mine’s perpetually empty
Hell is other people
A sunset is only electromagnetic radiation whose photons register in
you eye sensors. Beauty is an illusion invented by postcard salesmen
Fail young, fail often
Avoid moments of clarity
Look forward to your last breath and the pleasure of that final
disappointment and say .Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my
friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a
ball, if that’s all there is…
Never brush your teeth with a Noothgrush
Living is pointless, death is pointless, talking to others is
pointless, so what.s my point?
Life is like a bookcase and happiness is candy on the top shelf and
you’re a four year old who can’t reach. Just don.t be surprised when the
whole lot crashes down on you when you climb up to reach it and the candy
falls further out of reach. and then you die.
Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show,
however good, could conceivably be good forever
Reality is an internal representation, so don.t worry about it
Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.
In all things be drunk.
Doomsters don.t take .Speed., they take .Slow.
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his
hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an
idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Life is a 100 year mortgage that you can.t afford the payments on.
When your creativity have dried up and shrivelled like an old prune,
sign up with Century Media and abandon Doom altogether and go MTV
friendly, but still cite My Dying Bride as one of your major influences.
Insisting your latest album is the bleakest, and most haunting your
band has ever recorded, even if it.s your debut.
Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn…
nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN…
NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.
Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death,
suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom dejection, melancholia,
desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering
distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment woe, sorrow, Wretchedness,
unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning,
solitude, solemnity and Doom… and so should you.
Generally speaking Sludge Doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are
sad, funeral doomsters are barely breathing, death doomsters are dirty,
drunk and dribbling, Stoner Doomsters don’t care, drone doomsters are out
of it and traditional Doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with
other doomsters.
Have at least one goat-related song on your new album
If you are from England become sad and embittered that no-one gives
two fucks about you, your band or your label, because in England nobody
care about anything except their own little stash, nobody that is except
those 30 people odd people who do turn up to see you play, and they are
worth more than a stadium full of fair weather trend following wankers.
If half the audience hasn’t left out of frustration before you’ve
finished your first note, then you’re playing too fast.
Trad Doom bands have to have shit singers, it’s the law.
No one else understands why a 2 note song is good, but you don’t
care.
Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats
involved.
Make sure your drummer’s not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake
him up and tell him he played fantastic.
Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse
yourself.
Debuts are good. Follow-ups are repetition and sell-out.
Make fun of punks. remember though, you are open-minded.
Trust me, your last gig was aweful.
Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek
(you know who you are)
Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label
otherwise you’ll never release anything other than CDRs.
If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews
of the bands that do.
Don’t mention Lee Dorian’s singing ability. Remember, he owns a
record label.
“The end will come for all these lies, life is worthless, life will
die, there’s no need to cry” --Douglas P.
Funeral Doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your
guitar, it’s bound to get out of tune between strikes.
Did the lights just go out or was that the night?
Expect the term ‘Score’ to mean one thing to a Funeral Doomster and
something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
Expect the phrase “Is there another key?” to mean one thing to a
Death Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
The glass is half empty dummy.
Don’t cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste
salty.
Doom SHALL rise.
Doom or be doomed.
Say after me… “I will stay on this revolving globe of outrage until
it breaks wind and collapses on itself”.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Pour your heart and soul into designing a flyer, get them printed,
then don’t post them. It’s connected with rule 91… Flyers = Sellout…
remember, no one must know.
Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig
and nick your equipment
Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if
the drummer’s secretly into Trash, the guitarist’s a closet Malmsteen fan
and the bassplayer’s so doped up he thinks he a Prog Rocker.
You can be in as many bands as you like, but just make sure that they
all play the same stage on the same night, and ideally, sound exactly the
same.
Get a girlfriend…she will double the audience!
Amaze your audience and get a full lineup together.
To be classified True. doom you must obtain a signed certificate of
authentication from Wino.
Any sign of progression or deviation from the True. Doom path will
result in debagging and expulsion from the. Circle Of True Doom…
Disgraced band member’s names will be struck from the ‘Children of Doom’ .
register and Wino certification withdrawn.
The Swans are doom.
Doom is Rage without the aggression.
Don’t try and headbang to Funeral Doom, you’ll look ridiculous.
Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for
your next funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft
for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then
on the night, drop your trousers and unleash you’re awe inspiringly large
testicles… arch your back… spread your legs wide… and sway them to
and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly
headbanging embarrasing situation.
There is pleasure in grief.
Doom is the sound of inevitablility.
Don’t pay by the hour for rehearsal space if you intend running
through a few ‘Until Death Overtakes Me’ numbers.
The doomed mind is a terrible thing to taste so spice it up with some
fava beans and a nice chianti
Doomed solo composers must have Funeral, Drone and Ambient projects
and several combinations thereof on the go at any one time to be taken
seriously.
Insist that all of these projects are different, even if they sound
the same.
Claim you know the singer with My Dying Bride, or were present in the
studio when they recorded ‘Turn Loose the Swans’
:roll:
